Women Don't "Forget" To Have Kids
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While conceding that Huffington Post might write headlines for its celebrity bloggers, I still have to admit that I knew no good would come from an article titled "Don't Forget To Have Kids." This myth of the woman who "forgets" to have kids is so common that we don't stop to think about how sexist it really is, since the implication is that women are prone to such heights of stupidity that they could forget about the existence of marriage and babies, even in a world that has multiple cable channels (especially TLC) dedicated to marriage and babies. If you think about the myth of "forgetting" to have kids even for a moment, it falls apart, because the more common problem is forgetting to use contraception, and having kids because of it.
The post's author, Mika Brzezinski, did nothing in the article to dispel my eye-rolling prejudices, either. She clearly thinks her intended female audience is stupid. I can't think of any other explanation for her expecting us to believe her when she says that it's much harder to find a man and have a baby than it is to start a career in a competitive industry (like hers) in your 30s and compete against people who didn't take a break to procreate before their careers even started. That's right—she's not only arguing that you should take time to have kids, but that you should actually have kids before your career starts, and trust that when you enter the workforce a decade after everyone else, it'll be a breeze to catch up. I noticed that Brzenzinski doesn't assume that men are so stupid that they can also be told that it's harder to find someone to marry you than it is to start a career in a competitive industry.
I know we're all supposed to nod politely when someone says that having kids is much harder than getting a job in an incredibly competitive industry, because we know that the people saying this have suffered a great deal of sleep deprivation in their lifetimes and we should honor that. But c'mon! We live in a country with a high teen birthrate, so we have got to know, deep down inside, that platitudes about parenthood like this are off the mark. 16-year-olds find someone to impregnate them and raise kids. But you don't see many 16-year-olds hosting their own talk shows on major news networks. Having a baby is a lot of work, absolutely, but if it required the genius-level capabilities, the human race would have died out a long time ago.
Brzenzinski also sneaks in the insulting premise that the right husband will invariably be the one you meet early in life, and if you wait to get married, that somehow will mean that he's never coming along. We have statistical evidence that this belief is pure poppycock. States where early marriage is encouraged and long-term cohabitation is discouraged also have the highest rates of people marrying three times or more. I guess even people who take Brzezinski's advice find out what the heathens already knew, which is that your personality changes too much between your late teens and late 20s to really believe that the person you find compelling in your youth will be the same kind of person you want to be married to in your maturity.
And let's not forget how these arguments sound to people who can't have kids, because they're infertile or for some other reason. Telling women that having kids is the most important thing they can do makes the deliberately childless laugh at you, but for women who can't have kids, it's much like telling them they aren't even real women.
Photograph of a mother and her baby boy by George Doyle/Getty Images.
Comments
Come on -- no one noticed the obvious here?
By: ockeghem | Mon, 11/16/2009 - 23:12
Brzezinski...Brzezinski. Where have I heard that name before, without ever hearing of Mika Brzezinski herself?
Let's face it, any advice from her that one can start a career late after starting a family and be as successful as they would have been had they worked their way up during their 20s is bogus. Look up her bio. She doesn't hide her famous roots. She had a head start on her career before doing even a lick of work.
It's a lot easier to have it all when your last name is instantly recognizable to anyone with any knowledge of politics and foreign policy. Let's think about her socioeconomic status. Let's think about the doors that are opened to her, even when she's at the "bottom" of the food chain (& how likely is it that she ever started from the very bottom?).
She's not one to be giving advice to young women -- her experience is far too singular to base advice on it.
@ Amanda
By: im1 | Sat, 11/14/2009 - 15:43
Your post did not leave room for "outliers," it was stated as an absolute.
"people who take Brzezinski's advice find out ....that your personality changes too much between your late teens and late 20s to really believe that the person you find compelling in your youth will be the same kind of person you want to be married to in your maturity"
You did play off one extreme view, get married young, by advocating another, only late marriage works.
Respect yes, but it has to go both ways.
By: Kapt Z | Sat, 11/14/2009 - 10:30
Sara-
You raise a valid point. That all our experiences are unique and no particular choice guarantees success over another.
However, if you expect respect for your choice to marry and have children at a relatively young age it doesn't help to insinuate that those who chose differently have just been 'prolonging their adolescence'.
Marriage and family are wonderful things. What they do not do is prove one's maturity by default.
Yes, absolutely obnoxious
By: Sara Davidson | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 21:31
Yes, absolutely obnoxious generalization by the author. The tendency to generalize based on one's experience is, in my opinion, one of the hallmarks of adult immaturity. She thinks that only the 'outliers' of those who marry young will have successful, long term marriages? Well, everyone I know (myself included) has married their college partners, and 10 years later, we're all as happy as can be. Some with kids, some without. The issue of a changing personality is largely moot. A truly well matched couple will age together, and still be compatible 10 or 20 years down the road.
Does this mean I think 'early' marriage is for everyone? Nope! But I think it's no more or less likely to succeed then one made after this illusory late twenties 'maturity'. The HuffPo author is right - our culture does prolong adolescence, tediously so. Those of us who opt out of these overlong childhood deserve a little respect paid to their choices.
A tedious digression in an otherwise interesting article.
Oh man that article is just
By: buggie | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 14:57
Oh man that article is just gross. I can't even look at things like this. I have never wanted to be a "mommy" (such a condescending way to word it) and I believe that you only partner with people you love, not people you rush out to find to impregnate you. What is happening in this country? People are just jumping off the deep end! The pilgrims had less conservative (no wait, BACKWARDS) opinions about women.
I love the line here that forgetting to take birth control and accidentally receiving the "gift" of being a mommy is the far more common mistake.
Misread article
By: My two cents | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 14:37
Wow, I think Marcotte completely misread the article. Brezinski makes it clear that this is her opinion, and her intended audience are girls/young women who are on the verge of making life decisions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying and having children in your 20's (it has worked for many many centuries of humanity) or advocating for it. It's not for everyone, but can be a good decision.
I would back up Brezinski's post and argue that our society today, mostly due to relative wealth and relatively few children born to parents, tends to prolong immaturity and adolescence throughout the traditional college aged years of the early 20's. It is possible to go through college without binge drinking at frat parties and having serial non-serious sexual partners. It is also possible to be mature enough to make a good decision about a life partner and decide to start having children with a life partner. And, it may be untraditional, but to start a career in your 30's, or even 40's, still leaves you with 20, and possibly 30 or more years to work in your career field, and how much better if your children are already school aged or beyond?
The line I hate the most:
By: LenoraBabb | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 13:09
The line I hate the most: "Don't push away that chance if you're one of the lucky ones who find that partner." In other words, if you find a good man (there are apparently, so few out there) cling to him tightly so that you won't be left alone and baby-less, even if that means forgetting your career goals. The idea that a woman will somehow 'push' her partner away by being successful and focused is utter nonsense.
Then there's this nauseating line: "But let's talk about the greatest gift a woman can receive: being a mommy."Go on girls, give that gift to yourself! Give it to yourself right now, for Christmas. Hard to believe so many women are waiting to receive the best gift ever! And hey, it doesn't cost a thing...to get (beget?). Who wouldn't want the gift that poops and demands all of your attention?
The Huffpo piece reminds me
By: Jen Sorensen | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 13:07
of that David Brooks column from a few years ago in which he concern-trollingly suggested that women should start careers after child-rearing. Nice takedown.
I didn't say it was impossible to stay married
By: Amanda Marcotte | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 12:58
I just said that whether you marry that young love or not, odds aren't really high in your favor. That's a lot different than saying "impossible". Outliers exist on every spectrum.
I always find it irritating
By: upstate13 | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 12:27
I always find it irritating when someone writes a piece about how you "should" have kids by a certain age (referring to the Brzezinski article). I will be 33 in a couple weeks, and would love to have children already. However, I am not married, and don't want to have children on my own. It's easy for someone who got married young, had the luxury of childless married years and was then able to have children at their preferred time to make generalizations about what everyone else should do.